Time

Found this photo online- it is not my own

Time is an enigmatic thing to me.

I fear it. I love it. I don't know what to do with it.

Everything in my life revolves around time.

If I were to put a picture to my life- it would be timeline. Neatly scripted on beautifully aged parchment with the most fluid of inks. Everything in it's place.
The tick marks and illustrations perfectly spaced; and the adventures and milestones in abundant supply. All of leading up to a peaceful, nostalgic, happy ending.Time. Time. Time.

I spend so much of my time doing nothing but think about the future. Sitting in the quiet thinking of what's to come. I'm constantly daydreaming. Planning. Coordinating. Preparing. Scrutinizing over the details. I feel the need to have a "life plan" at all times. No matter how variable it may turn out to be. I need to have an idea of where I will be down the road. The unknown becomes more and more terrifying to me as I age.

Something that was always reiterated to me after my dad passed away almost 8 years ago was that, although he died young, he accomplished everything he wanted to in life with the exception of one adventure: hunting in Africa. This was told to me to serve as comfort, and closure. And truthfully, it did it's part -albeit a small one- to help the healing process.

But, as a result, I have spent the last eight years making plans. Plans to carry out over the course of my life. In a way- my whole future is a proverbial bucket list. Death does not frighten me- but lack of accomplishment does. I feel like I have to live out my ambitions and adventures- or die trying. I live each day feeling like pieces of my soul are scattered across the globe, and across time, and that I won't be whole until I collect them all again. It's not just wanderlust either. It's so much more than that. It's this frightening certainty that I HAVE to do these things. This feeling that... there's something so much bigger than me at play here.  That this is my PURPOSE. And that, in itself, is terrifying.

Time & purpose. The most sobering words in my vocabulary.

I thrive on deadlines. If left to my own devises, with no deadlines I simply put things off continually. The short term things. The dull, but still important and practical things. It is so hard for me to prioritize those when I know that they are so ephemeral; that in the grand scheme of things- even if they help get me to my destination- they WON'T be the things I remember. And they aren't the things that weigh heavily on my mind as I struggle through each day waiting for "the big stuff" to happen.

This sense of purpose (if that truly is the right word; I think unsolicited quest fits more appropriately- although "quest" sounds a bit presumptuous for someone like me) is what makes me formidable, in my own mind. And I'm not certain that that is what I want. I want to be hard to keep down. I want to be unstoppable. I want to get what I want out of life and not let anyone stop me. If this gains me respect? Fine. If this gains me fear? Fine.

But will it cost me love? And friendship? And companionship?

I think what scares me the most is:

What will I be willing to give up to reach my goals?

That thought- terrifies me beyond all reason. I fear most becoming the person that loses everything trying to accomplish something.

We all know the stories. We all know that sacrificing love, and joy, and freedom, and friendship isn't worth it. We all know that those who become so obsessed with their ambitions end up being resentful and unsatisfied even after they accomplish everything.

And I wonder- do they all choose that fate? Or does it just happen?

I hope that my already existing knowledge that there are somethings simply not worth giving up will prevent me from ever being in that situation.

But already- I push people. I push and push and push to see who's willing enough; who cares enough; and who is strong enough to stand by me.

I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up to find no one is there. And that it's my own fault.

I know this is all a bit melodramatic- and that my goals and ambitions aren't so grandiose that anyone will remember my story when it's over. But as I walk along the timeline of my life and see the tick marks quickly approaching, I stop to wonder if I have spent enough time planning. And if I have included enough people in those plans; enough time to ensure my dreams don't trump their own.

I have to escape this perpetual tunnel-vision and learn to be more aware of those around me. And try a little bit harder to accommodate them.

Maybe, in this life, my true test and purpose is to learn to find balance.

But I'll put that on my list when I have more time.